Tuesday, April 6, 2010

he did make some observations

Having a bonsai tree really is like having a child, a puppy or syphilis: you have to bring it fucking everywhere. And so it was that Stella joined Rosie and I on a week-long jaunt to the west of Ireland, where we indulged in our customary pastimes of walking a bit, grumbling at the rain, reading a bit, watching DVDs, gorging ourselves like sows with tapeworms and cooing at each other a lot. It was precisely like that Discover Ireland ad, especially the bit with the couple looking affluent and aroused in Westport. We also flew (yeah, flew) to Inis Mór like motherfucking rockstars. More about all that another time, perhaps.

I was planning on throwing in a few grumbles into this post of odds and ends, as it's been a while since I've used the 'gripes' tag. Then Holemaster shows up in my feed-reader with a worthy list.
To his complaints I add:

People who won't switch their headlights on before the sun sets. Try driving down the M50 in a driving rainstorm with the backwash from a truck obscuring everything and tell me you wouldn't notice the fucker in a silver Audi cutting in front of you just a split second sooner if they had their lights on.

Bohemian Rhapsody. Tonight I sat through all two and a half hours of Channel 4's unfathomably unfunny Comedy Gala. It climaxed, like a sixteen year-old jizzing his pants, with one-trick pony Lee Evans performing his one trick, sweatily, to the tune of Bohemian Rhapsody. And I realised that that song, far from being the 'greatest song of the twentieth century' that it is so often feted as, is a bloated monstrosity of a yoke that should have been left alone to enjoy its Wayne's World based resurrection and then banned from public consumption. Think about it: you don't like it half as much as you've been told you do, do you?

Overuse of the word 'rant' on the internet. There is a tendency among bloggers to preface and/or conclude any strong statement of opinion with a caveat along the lines of "I hope you'll excuse this rant", or "Don't mind me, I'm just ranting". It seems almost apologetic - anticipating the fact that some fucker will come along and take offence at something you've said. If your 'rant' is in any way blog-related you can be absolutely certain that someone will take offence, and will probably read far more into your words than was ever there. It happens. if you have something to say that may cause a few snarks then write it, read over it, sleep on it if needs be, then if you stand by everything you say then publish the fucking thing and don't use dismissive words like 'rant' for your own thoughts unless that is truly how it reads, in which case delete it. Or call it a rant, by which you might as well type "I'm not sure I mean this at all, I'm just not thinking right now."

And now, to close on an upbeat note, two splendid blogs that have recently come to my attention: This Limbo and Conor Creighton. Both well worth a click and a bit of your time. And Jennie, for fuck's sake, if you haven't already been round there.

6 comment(s):

Tessa said...

I can't believe you took Stella with you on your holliers. Sure aren't you spoiling the little faggot rotten? Next time, leave her at home with a bit of string and a bucket of water. It's what the Mammy used to do with me, and it didn't do me any harm at all - apart from an occasional touch of root rot.

Andrew said...

Tessa, bless your lovely heart for not letting this become my first post without a comment. That might have broken me entirely. But really, calling Stella a faggot is entirely beyond the pale. Her heterosexuality has never been called into question before.
I'm told that one of our near neighbours has a healthy collection of bonsai trees and would be happy for Stella to come and hang out with them while we're on future trips. It'll be some wrench, mind.

Tessa said...

Oh noes! Please don't tell me that "little faggot" is no longer used interchangeably by Irish mammies to describe either (a) little brats or (b) little cuties? I thought it was only on this side of the pond that it referred to sexuality. To quote the princes of the church, If I have offended Stella (or you!) I apologise!

Andrew said...

Don't worry, Tessa, neither of us took the slightest bit of offence. Rosie's nana sometimes calls her a "little faggot" in exactly the spirit you have just explained, so I figured it was what you meant. But yeah, the North American usage is much more common here now. When something takes root there you can be pretty sure that it'll inevitably follow here. Though 'twat' has never quite taken on as pejorative a meaning here as it has over there. My mum calls me a twat sometimes. She thinks it means the same as 'prat'.
In other news, I should really amend my claim that this would have been my first post without comments. I have, upon closer inspection, been left feeling uncherished by the general public on five previous occasions. How embarrassing.

Au Lapin Blanc said...

I am incredibly guilty of using the word 'rant'. Until this post I didn't consider that using it would dismiss the words in the post. I'll admit I use 'rant' as another word for 'rambling' or indeed making sure the reader knows I'm shouting without using capitals...

Andrew said...

Au Lapin Blanc - Ah, i've been guilty of it myself, from time to time. I wrote this in the aftermath of reading one or two posts about the blog awards, where people were saying things that they knew would raise a few hackles. Attaching the word 'rant' to their piece seemed to be almost a get-out clause - a way of asking people not to take them too seriously. I'm just not sure why so many Irish bloggers feel the need to be half-hearted about expressing a strong opinion when there's nothing wrong with doing so.