Wednesday, September 28, 2011

"Well, it's not exactly the backyard, but it'll do"*

"Hello, I'd like to make an appointment, please."
"And what kind of an appointment is that?"

I swear I can hear a smirk in her voice.
"semen analysis"
"Semen analysis, fucking semen analysis, OK?"

 Go here if video won't play.

There is not, that I am currently aware of, anything wrong with my semen, but Rosie's polycystic ovaries and the havoc that they wreak mean that we are attending an infertility clinic soon. I find it difficult to talk about, but the only thing worse than talking about something like this is not talking about it. They tell me that men feel overwhelmed with gratitude after they realise the suffering their wives have gone through to bear them a child. I already owe Rosie a massive debt for the physical and emotional nausea she has to get through every day from the vicious medication that is supposed to give us a chance. Having to get up early in the morning one day to have my goo pored over by some dudes is a piffling contribution, and the only tangible one I have had to make thus far.

I will not lie to you, good people, the limits of my knowledge of the workings of semen analysis extend as far as the above scene from Naked Gun 33 1/3.(It was harder than you'd imagine to track that clip down, and funnier than you remember to watch.) Tragically, it turns out you do the donating bit no more than an hour before your appointment, and bring it in with you in a special little cup that I'll have to go in and collect from them some time beforehand. You'd think a sandwich bag or a bit of tupperware would do 'em. The lady on the phone did say they had a special room that I could make an appointment for, but, in a fluster, I declined. I couldn't then call back and say that I'd changed my mind about their special room, could I? I wonder what the people who work there call it? I'd go with 'Spunk Space', but that may very well be why I don't work in a fertility clinic.

They also send a letter that tells me I'm not to ejaculate for 2-5 days before. What the fuck are they thinking, giving a bloke a three day margin of choice? So yeah, next week, forty eight hours and one minute after the tetchy beginning of a fiddlin'and humpin' ban I'll be waking up, cracking one out, and bolting it across the rush houred city with a sticky cup in my pocket. Light a candle for me, won't you?

*The second option for this post's title was 'Juan Kerr Does Plenty'. Third, I suppose, was 'Seminal'. Fourth, now that I think of it would be 'Oh, Comely' because, y'know, it has 'come' in the title and I do love Neutral Milk Hotel so very much. Should anyone reading this happen to have an extra ticket for Jeff Mangum in Whelan's in November, let me know. I'll pay you. In cash. Or spunk. As you wish, really.

6 comment(s):

John Braine said...

There's two main things to know about. Sperm count and sperm motility. Most people only seem to know about the former. I had an issue with the latter. And a simple operation improved stuff. Can you say Testicular Varicose Litigation without wincing?

I never had an issue talking about this stuff. No different than had a problem with my liver. Or needed my tonsils out.

I can't remember having a choice. I always turned up and went into their room. They have a sofa with a tv/video and a box of vhs tapes. Nothing too racy. Straight up porn.

And the nurse can give you a hand if you're taking too long.

Did you ever read xbox 4 nappy rash? He had some hilarious posts on this stuff.

p.s. only joking about the nurse.


Jo said...

my goo pored over by some dudes

I had to read this sentence carefully.

It's like coming over all Mother Teresa.

I'm glad you're talking about it, and I think you'll find quickly that you're far less alone in it than you think.

Best of luck, erm, with the abstinence and wanking, I suppose ;)


Andrew said...

John - Thanks, that was strangely comforting. I had always figured the whole thing about them providing you with porn was a myth. As for Xbox, I only really discovered him after his wife got pregnant, so I missed out on the fertility clinic years.

Jo - Yes, you're right. especially as there are plenty of people out there who don't know what the verb 'to pore' means, and could easily read it as a typo.

Conan Drumm said...

Thought it might come to this... ahem ...time to watch that early Woody Allen film where he puts on the full body condom

Andrew said...

Conan - Yes, it's been a long time coming. is there a Woody Allen film with a full body condom? The first Naked Gun film has exactly the same gag.

Annie said...

! @ John's nurse joke.

I believed.