Tuesday, September 7, 2010

A Chugging on Wicklow Street

Hey man, how's it going? Do you have a moment for Concern? Could I ask you a couple of questions?"

"I'll deal with these one at a time, if I may. Firstly, it's going alright, though I kinda need a piss after all the coffee I drank this morning and, frankly, my balls are sweaty to the point of discomfort in this weather. You know how it is.

Secondly, if I may wilfully misinterpret your question for the sake of a blog post, I have many moments for concern. I am concerned by the continued existence of reality television, I am concerned by the closing-in of the seasons, for I believe I may very well be a seasonally disaffected man. I am concerned that my fellow man is more preoccupied with Bosnian puppy-drowners than Bosnian war criminals. I am concerned that the only notable response to a British war criminal in our midst came from a few Sinn Féin nutjobs. That Mental Morrissey continues to be given a platform. I am concerned that with the dampening of Dublin comes the drying up of furriners, and that, on any given Friday, I may be dismissed from my employment with a shrug. I am concerned that I will take my anxieties about unemployment out on my wife. She doesn't care about money, but sometimes I'd love for her to not even have to not care. I am concerned that slowly, gently we will start to trust our government again, that we will vote the bastards in again, that we are falling victim to an indefinable propaganda machine as effective as Fox News.

To take your question as you meant it, no I do not have a moment for Concern. I am on my way to HMV to try to spend a gift card on whatever gems might still lurk in there beneath layers of Jedward and Adam Sandler. I am concerned by the rapid deterioration of that shop, too. And anyway, I've been Concerned enough to give your lot 12.70 a month since it was still a tenner in old money. It made me feel like an ethical student and I think I thought it would make the girl on Talbot Street who signed me up fancy me. Tell me, man, are you Concerned enough to waive your wage for even one hour? What do you get, about 12.70?"

Can you ask me a couple of questions? You've already asked three, fuck off."

16 comment(s):

Tessa said...

Fess up, Andrew .. did you actually say any of this (brilliant!) stuff ... or did you shuffle past, pretending to be on your cellphone (like the rest of us)? I hate those clipboard-bearing bastards and am thinking of adopting a remedy suggested on Twitter - carrying a clipboard myself so they'll leave me alone.

John Braine said...

Hate them pricks. They act so sincere as if we don't know they get paid or it. And are often cheeky fuckers when you give them the polite brush off they don't deserve.

I swear one of them shouted after me once "you don't have a minute for starving children".

I'm starting to get very cynical about all these sponsored runs lately as well. Every second person I know wants me to pay for them to get fit and feel smug about it, pay for the fucking charity yourself if you're that great.

Oh sorry. Think you hit a vein there.

Conor said...

Never mind the bosnian puppies, what did you go for in HMV?

I'm tempted to spend money I don't have on Janaelle Monae. Or Jonsi. Fuck it, money I don't have.

Janaelle it is though.

I agree that the chuggers are bastards.

Andrew said...

Tessa - Damn, you're ruining the magic! Truth be told, I gave the pillock such a wide berth that he actually directed those questions at someone else. I merely used him as a vessel to overcome blogger's block. Talking of which, you've been a bit quiet lately...
Don't let that Twitter nonsense nick all your good ideas.

John - Yeah, it's the cunts who badger you that really get to me. I ignored one of them one day and he started shouting "Hey you, you in the green coat, the one ignoring me! You!" I think he thought he was David McFuckheadsavage or something. and yeah, you're right about all these charity runs and shit. Just ask people for money and stop pretending you're making some great sacrifice for it. I wonder if anyone would sponsor me to masturbate?

Conor - This Janelle Monae one seems to be getting some seriously good press at the moment, I must check her out on The Yoochoob. I'm guessing you were at the Picnic? This was the year that i decided that, at the age of 28, I might just be too curmudgeonly for it all. Last year simply didn't feel worth the 500 beans for the two of us and the forecast wasn't great so we gave it a skip. I bought albums by Mogwai, Grinderman and The National. was gonna get the new Gogol Bordello one too but HMV were charging twenty fucking quid for it. And they wonder why people don't buy much music any more.

Andrew said...

Also, should I ever stumble across any discernible musical talent of any kind, my first album shall be named 'Never Mind the Bosnian Puppies...'

Radge said...

We need to go drinking immediately, if only for our shared disgust for that fakely convivial 'man'.

I fucking hate it, and 'dude,' and...

...here, you'll know all this already.

I want to get drunker than I currently am.

Jennikybooky said...

They are fucking WORSE over here! I belted out the door from work one evening and commenced running for the metro, and one of them STARTED RUNNING ALONGSIDE ME.

I fucking hate those fuckers.

Fuckety fuck fuck.

Andrew said...

Radge - Mine's a Leffe. i recall enjoying your post on the dude/man issue. To be honest, I don't really mind people I know and like saying it. But randomers on the street doing it deserve a glassing. Or bosses trying to show that they're cool.

Jennie - Jesus, really? Shoulda tripped the horrible fucker up.

Conan Drumm said...

We've got to turn it all around somehow... anyone trying to sell us something should have to pay for our time. €50 a minute should cover the opportunity cost to us.

You want to stop me on the street, fine... pay up.

You want access to my house on my broadband / TV / cable... ok, pay me.

Radge said...

Leffe's a fine choice. Also, let me recommend Duvel if you haven't tried it before - not for the fainthearted, mind.

I like Conan's Jimmy Conway impression, by the way. De Niro would be proud.

Andrew said...

Conan - Works for me. When you think about it it's quite amazing the way companies have managed to get people to pay for the opportunity to be bombarded with adverts. Time for soemthing back from them.

Radge - Duvel and I are firm friends at this stage. She's a feisty little number, right enough. Belgian beers are a particular weakness of mine. Have you tried Kwak? There's also a sexy little German who's easily the equivalent of the Belgians going by the name of Einbecker.

Radge said...

Kwak and Einbecker.


My best mate's wife gave him a hamper of Belgian beers as his Christmas 'stocking' last year. I told him to cherish her and to never, ever let her go. There were Leffes I'd never even heard of.

Jo said...

This is a grumpy old man post. Not that I don't agree with you. I'm against puppy drowning though. Against it!

No secondary work? Bah. Keep looking, there might be a nice maternity leave that will turn into something more. It has to happen sometime.

White Rabbit said...

I am equally concerned about all of those things. Even the concerns really only applicable to your lovely wife. That may seem odd to you but what the hell. It's out on the table. If you didn't have money to worry about you would have more time to blog which means I have more posts to read which in my eyes means everyone wins.

Andrew said...

i <3 White Rabbit.

Rosie said...

oops. that last one was me. though Andrew may heart her too, who knows.