The Smellumentary

Fucksticks, I've been maimed (or memed, I forget how you spell it) again - this time from Darren, the big curly bollocks. Mind you, this one looks like it might just have some genuinely funny consequences in the outside world so I'm gonna go with it.

Right, apparently Mr. Maxi Cane is undertaking a 'smellumentary' ,where he goes without washing himself or his clothes for 30 days. The manky bastard. He wants suggestions for challenges he might undertake during the course of this stinking month.

Now, the whole washing thing has never quite taken off for me, and from time to time I've had to fend off the odd quip like "Andrew, you smell worse than the arsecrack of a lonely fat butcher watching Nigella Lawson in a sauna." (Following Maxi's wisdom I generally find a swift "your ma" does the job nicely.) So I'm really the perfect person to come to for advice. Darren suggests that our ideas should be something called 'legal', which has never sat well with me in the past, but I'll try to go with it.

1. Hugs

Random strangers can be awkward about hugs at the best of times, so see how well you get on when you smell like Johnny Vegas' knob-cheese. You could try certain scams like advertising yourself yourself as aiming for a Guinness World record in hugs, or take advantage of people's good natures by wearing a t-shirt saying 'PUT A STOP TO LEUKAEMIA FOREVER BY HUGGING ME IMMEDIATELY'. Or you could be a little more proactive and simply grab the fuckers, giving them no choice in the matter. when the boys in blue arrive to take you downtown make sure you hug them too. Other excellent targets include taxi-drivers and the doorman in the top hat at Brown Thomas.

2.The Smoking Area

It's widely accepted that the most unfortunate consequence of the smoking ban was the fact that we all had to start smelling each other again in the pubs. Therefore the smoking areas should be a haven for those smelling like a septic goat scrotum, shouldn't they? Not if you're really doing your job properly, no. If your natural stink isn't earning you enough looks of contempt, try lighting up a stale Henri Winterman Half Corona and go around asking people if they have any change for the condom machine. This will obviously work best in those smoking areas that are so enclosed and sheltered from the elements that they stretch government legislation on the subject close to breaking point.

3. Seek expert advice

Treat your newfound odour as though it's a complete surprise and seek out various sources of help. Hug your GP if he has the wit to actually say "Erm, have you tried washing?" Mark my words, there are those who will assume you've done this and that your smell just builds up like that over the course of a day. Call those shite phone-in shows like Adrian Kennedy and Joe Duffy and ask their esteemed listeners for help. A hug must then also go out to Harry the Builder from Phibsboro who chimes in with "Eh, I just lash a fookin' loada Lynx Africa down me keks and go about me business bud."