Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Ladykiller

The very nice Limerick lass I was sitting beside earlier at the dinner at my Big Cousin's wedding in Cork wanders past me, looking sullen and tractor-like in my awkwardness and cumbersomosity on the dance-floor.
"Hey, you having a good night?" she asks, with smiling sincerity.
I'm having a dark moment here, so I scowl, "I think I prefer funerals, no-one tries to make you dance."
She looks truly horrified, and may well have had a restraining order out on me for the rest of the night.

Late on, nearing 4 am or something stupid like that, I'm sitting at a computer in the lobby, checking my comments like the needy tool that I am, when a gangly creature emerges from the darkness.
"What are you doing there?" she asks, annoyingly, in a Cork-Dublin chimera of an accent.
"Do you have any cigarettes?" I spit back.
"Only in my room, I've a carton there..."
"I only need one, not two hundred, thanks. And I want it now."
Unperturbed, she purrs "Why do you have a beard, is it for Movember?"
"No, it's December now so that would be fucking stupid."
"I've never kissed a beard, y'know."
"Me either, I'd imagine it's horrible." This is still not enough. She takes my bottle of Heineken and drinks from it. I am every bit as appalled as the Limerick lass was at my attempt at humour earlier."You hang on to that, love. Night"

9 comment(s):

Sarah Gostrangely said...

It's weddings. They bring out the inner nut/wank bag in us.

It's nice to be offensive though sometimes.

Releasing and that.

anneelicious said...

Maybe she liked the treat 'em mean kind of guy; stereotypical nonsense that it is?

The last wedding I was at was my parents' which is five years ago on Friday. Best wedding I've ever been to - we had the reception in our house. The craic was only mighty.

jothemama said...

You surly fucker! Why did you go?

Andrew said...

Sarah - Aye, it is. I'm lovely in general, honest.

Annie - That sounds great, bagsies an invite to their anniversary par-tay on Friday! At least you know i'm more fun than I sounded in this post. I think.

Jo - I seem to have given something of the wrong impression, i was absolutely delighted to be at the wedding, my cousin is very dear to me and it was a brilliant day. This post was more about how I can surprise myself with the depths of my obnoxiousness when I'm really not in the mood for something or someone. Mind you, I was only trying to be funny with my funeral remark, it just sounded awful once it came out. I'm very personable most of the time, sure we had a lovely cuddle when we met, didn't we?

jothemama said...

Well, indeed, that's why I was surprised. No spooning for her! I thought.

I would have laughed at the funeral remark though, I wouldn't have run away in fear :)

She Likes It Loud said...

Beards --ew. I have a hard time reigning in my noxy side too. I was out dancing with some friends the other night when the obligatory, drunk assface tried to grind on me. He was probably an inch taller than I (I normally dig short guys but of the non-creep sort)so I turned to him and put my hand in measuring position far above my head and said "You must be this tall to ride this ride". Sure it's mean, but so was rubbing his nasty self on me without an invitation. You really can only do so much with what your dealt.

Darren said...

There's a bar girl in The Olympia that gives me the eye every time I go there. Flattering? Yes! Going to happen, love? Not a fucking chance.

Andrew said...

SLIL - "Beards --ew", "I normally dig short guys". It's probably best that we never meet.

Darren - I'd imagine she just has a nasty stigmatism that creates the optical illusion of her looking lustfully at you. Notice she sgives you "the eye", rather than 'the eyes'. It's the only explanation.
And don't address young ladies as 'love', it's highly chauvinistic.

She Likes It Loud said...

Ouch! Pissy! You've got personality so the beard wouldn't bug me so long as it's not Guru length, or you couldn't be mistaken for the lead singer of a southern rock band. You're the one that imagined it was horrible to kiss a beardy - it is! Brillo pad vs. face.