Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint

An alluring combination of mechanics and a job interview in Blackrock find me briefly in Bray on a Monday afternoon.

The familiar sound of teenage skangers causes me to turn and look across the road. There are four of them, about 15 years old, decked out in Nike and Umbro's finest and clearly bored shitless. One of them is grabbing his balls in a fashion so lurid it makes even me blush. This may be a reaction to the young lady crossing the road at this point, it may be a rather overstated but necessary crotchal adjustment on a such a humid day, or it may be that he simply enjoys making a show of clutching his testes in public.

It's not really my place to speculate. But he and his chums have caught my disapproving glance. "Hey, pervert!" is shouted. My heart sinks as I realise they mean me. I immediately am reminded of that episode of Peep Show where David Mitchell's character Mark is chased back into his flat by teenagers shouting "Oi! PAEDO!" at him for no apparent reason.

I have a quick decision to make: Do I scurry on, pretending not to have heard them, but appearing very much like a guilty paedophile to any onlookers who may have viewed this incident out of context? Or do I front up, telling these little scuts to go fuck themselves?
Disappointingly, I pick the former option. There were four of them, after all. And life has made me very good at feigning nonchalance.

"Chuck fuckin' Norris!" is the next catcall. As insults go, this is a marked improvement. Chuck has never been a style icon to me as such, but with my beard and almost slightly long hair I can see where these kids are coming from. As such, I feel empowered enough to stride across to their side of the street, channelling every bit of Delta Force I can muster and casting them a glare that says Chuck don't take no shit off no punk-ass kids. Or something. It appears to be a remarkably successful move, as these little scallies shrink right back into their boxes and not another word is heard.

Kids, when attempting to vex older members of the community on the streets, don't compare them to the greatest human being the world has ever known.

8 comment(s):

NaRocRoc said...

You've redeemed yourself. But only just.

emordino said...

Some fine young fellows once vocally compared me to Bob Marley, which was puzzling on a number of levels.

Radge said...

Correction: Fernando Torres is the world's greatest living human. Don't have me give you the scowling of a lifetime.

Darren said...

Little bastards.

I was once jeered as "Neo" by a bunch of idiot teens (I was wearing sunglasses and a long jacket). I was not offended in the least.

jothemama said...

Heh. I've definitely heard worse. Clearly the wonderful world of Chuck Norris jokes has not been introduced to them because they can't read.

Blackrock, eh? CBS, maybe? I did an interview there once for subbing and the hm was so extremely nice.

And they're customers of the husband and he says the same.

AA said...

"find me briefly in Bray on a Monday afternoon."

I demand visits when people find themselves briefly in Bray.

Andrew said...

Apologies for my slowness in replying. Andrew has not had internet access recently. Andrew has not cared all that much. It's one less medium from which to receive blanket coverage on a dead man still being dead.

NaRocRoc - Thanks, you had me worried there.

Emordino - That is puzzling. Didn't the young scamps realise that you look exactly like former Hollywood legend Ethan Hunt if he grew a beard and developed an interest in backgammon?

Radge - I once harboured similar feelings for a friend of mine called Thierry. Thierry let me down in the end and, one day, your friend Fernando will do likewise.

Darren - Obviously "Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen was too much of a mouthful for them.

Jo Nah, 'twas only a TEFL job interview, opposite the real Blackrock school. I got it, but then turned it down afer getting a better offer.

Annie - Do you really want me turning up at your place of work? I'd probably try to motorboat you or something. I'm like that.

morgor said...

They do grab they're balls in such a vile way it makes me feel ill.

Even when they're walking through town with their Mams!