Monday, June 15, 2009

There is a chair, he is walking down the street with the shoes

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The barman asks what they're having. The Englishman says "Pint of Heineken, please." The Scotsman says "Aye, Heineken too." The Irishman says "Yeah, Heineken's a good beer, I'll have pint of that too, please."

What's round and orange and looks exactly like an orange?
A piece of wax that has been coloured and shaped to look exactly like an orange by a man who has a number of years' experience in that line of work.

A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim are discussing their memories of 9/11.
The Christian says "I was at the canned food aisle in my local supermarket when I bumped into my neighbour and she told me all about it. I was shocked."
The Jew says "I was at home flicking through the channels when I saw it on Sky News. I watched the second tower fall. It was awful."
The Muslim says "I was out in my garden watering the petunias when my wife called me inside to see the terrible thing that had happened on TV. As it became clear that Bin Laden's people were behind it I began to worry that it might have a negative impact upon the public's perception of my religion."

9 comment(s):

B said...

Ted Chippington
http://www.duckworthsquare.com/frankosonic/frankosonic/Ted%20Chippington%20-%20Human%20Being.mp3

http://www.duckworthsquare.com/frankosonic/frankosonic/Ted%20Chippington%20-%20Ted%20Chippington.mp3

There's the anti-comedian for you, I like him.

Andrew said...

heh, thanks, B. I'd never heard of him but that's precisely the kind of thing i was going for. a colleague mentioned "anti-jokes" over lunch a few months ago and told me this one:
Two cows are standing in a field. a red fox darts out of a hedge and runs across the field and into a hole. One cow looks up and the other one just carries on eating grass.

It tickled me hugely, for some reason. And last night when I couldn't sleep I started making up my own ones. I've no idea why.

AA said...

I'm lolling <3

emordino said...

By far my favourite anti-joke is:

Q. How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One.

B said...

I was busy last night so I'm gonna give a bit of info about my links there.

Yer man was brought on tour by Mark E Smith with the Fall to come onstage at the Falls scheduled start time and eat into it telling jokes like that on repeat, driving the drunken post-punky audience up the wall.

White Rabbit said...

I am amused. Have more posts like this when you collect more anti-jokes!

Radge said...

Doctor, doctor, I keep hearing voices.

You're suffering from schizophrenia and will need to undergo years of psychiatric treatment, both medicinal and therapeutic.

The email I read that on told it better.

Andrew said...

Kids, I have an almost limitless supply of these things, that's the beauty of them.

Perhaps I should set up a separate blog just to house them.

Twenty Major said...

Reminds me of the German jokes that went around.

-----

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?
She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly
low self-esteem.

What do you call a cat with no tail?
A Manx cat.

Why do undertakers wear ties?
Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their
appearance has a degree of gravitas.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.

Two men are sitting in a pub.
One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men
coming in and out of your wife's house.'
The other man replies: 'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidise her
drug habit.'

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out
and runs away.
One cow looks round a bit, eats some grass and then wanders off.

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?
Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell
pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.