Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Random Access Memery

Although these things are really only a slight evolutionary step above chain letters and spamming, I was secretly quite pleased when Grandad tagged me with this meme:

1.List two things that irritate you for a reason (and list the reason!), and two things that irritate you for no apparent reason whatsoever!!
2.Give credit to the person who tagged you.
3.Link your answers to the original blog, that’s here (http://www.skillett.com/)!
4.Tag four new people to participate.

Given that the most common label I apply to my posts is 'gripes', finding a few things that irritate me should be my forte. Finding things that irritate me for no apparent reason, however, is proving tricky, as I'm generally quite in touch with my feelings about why things piss me off.

Still, here goes:

Two things that irritate me for a reason:

1. People who watch the TV at a ridiculously high volume. This is mostly done by families who want to argue whilst still engaging the tiny bit of brain required to Coronation Street, or else by old people who can't hear it otherwise. The reason they can't hear it otherwise is because they spent their younger life watching the TV at a ridiculously high volume. Either because their family were drowning out Percy Sugden or else because great aunt Elsie came over to visit when Coronation Street was on and needed the TV ridiculously loud. Because... she was a fucking deaf old battleaxe.

2. Blokes whose idea of 'dressing up' for a night out means tucking their county GAA shirt into their jeans and wearing a pair of loafers. If you really are in such complete thrall to Tadhg down the road who kicked seven points last week that you feel the need to dress as he does only for seventy minutes once a week when gobbing on lads from Killashantownballynewbegdrum then at least have the fucking decency to wear a pair of trainers and not try to convince yourself that you're dressed 'smart casual'. Whatever the fuck that means.

Two things that irritate me for no apparent reason:

1. Overuse of exclamation marks!!! Why do people do this? The rules of the meme itself up above carries one glaring offence of this type. Believe me, I didn't write them. I'm reluctant to even use one. I've probably used them once or twice in messages to girls to make them think I'm all zany and funny. But I'm not!! See how fucking irritating that is? And in case anyone just thinks I've just been over-exposed to the phenomenon because I'm a teacher, I offer you this story:

When I was in first year of secondary school, aged 12 or 13, a pretty girl called Jenny asked me, via the classic medium of a note hand-delivered by her pushy friend, if I'd 'go with her'. Naturally, being an ugly little zit-covered boy with an over-zealous interest in my mum's lingerie catalogues, I said yes. Sweatily making my way to the back of the bike-shed (yes, we really did have one in my school) where our relationship was to be consumated via the classic medium of 'shifting' in front of our entire year, i re-read her note " Andrew, I tink u r realy cute. Will u go wit me. Please say yes!!! Luv, Jenny!" I reached the back of the shed and there stood the fair Jenny. Her train tracks glinted at me in the most alluring way and her intoxicating scent of Impulse body spray tickled my nostrils most beguilingly. I leaned forward, pursed my lips and...spat in her fucking face, the stupid illiterate bitch!!! As I gently, but convincingly, disembowelled her and fed them to the crows, I calmly explained that the three exclamation marks beside her request were excusable enough, given her inevitable enthusiasm at the prospect of a sexy encounter with me, but that signing her name with one was simply unforgivable.

Got three detentions for that one but it never happened again.

2. Hillary Clinton's smile.

Now, to tag three other unfortunates to do the same:
I choose Little Miss, Lottie, Anthony and hmmm...Annie.

9 comment(s):

Anonymous said...

Heh. Fair play.. You wouldn't survive five minutes in this house. Herself likes Coronation Street on full volume, and I'm a great user of exclamations marks!!! You're OK on the dressing up, because I never do.

Incidentally, how are you such an expert on Percy Sugden?

Anonymous said...


B said...

first batch
1. My mother always goes mad whenever anyone has anything on at all, but she turns the volume up full blast.
Personally I would've picked how ads are so much louder than shows for this one if I were you.

2. I see "GAA" and instasntly agree, no matter what it is.
Being from Killashantownballynewbegdrum, I am slightly offended at your direct racist attack on me.

second batch:
1. I use Caps mainly for emphasis, is that okay?
Is that story really true?
Thats as deranged as I was at that point, and I attempted public suicide at school once!

2. Yes, definitely.

To be honest I'm thinking the fact you commented on Mansun makes me wanna agree with everything though.

Andrew said...

Grandad - it's a lot like your excuse about knowing stuff about old tennis players, I must have been tragically exposed to it as a child.

Little Miss - you're headed the right way for a disembowelling.

B - it's a lovely village really.
I've no problem with caps, it's exclamation marks I was shooting down. there are some granules of truth in that story, yes.

On your last point all I can say is that when the vicar strips he gets away with it.

B said...

Oh, another Grey Lantern era song?! I'm so over you now, a true obsessive would either quote in order of ep releases(ie. start with a quote from the one ep, eventually reaching up to the fourteen ep) or, at the very least, move to the next album!

...then again, you did quote a B-side first.

Anonymous said...

I share your distaste for exclamation marks, Andrew. I never like to use them, really, and feel that if I have to signpost jokes or an intended tone in such a manner then I've probably just failed in my writing - and that doesn't feel too good.

Yes, it can sometimes lead to a bit of trouble out here in space when people think I'm being serious - a dodgy business, as it happens, because I detest these wretched slanging matches that some bloggers seem to thrive upon and their seeming desperation to take offence - but I feel the risk is ultimately worth it. The only exception - and I think this is fair enough - is when I'm dealing with people whose first language isn't English. Then it becomes a necessary courtesy to clarify tone and intention. (How else will they know, after all, that I mean no harm when I tell them I want to drown their children like kittens in a stream one dark and deadly night? Jeez. Some people are so touchy about their kids.)

You did well to disembowel the girl, incidentally, as she clearly left you with no alternative. Yours was a considered and decent response to a growing societal ill. Keep up the work.

Kind regards etc...(and thank you, I enjoyed reading your post.)


PS. I think you love Coronation Street - just, you know, saying.

Darren said...

I. AM. NOT. A. GIRL!!!

And I want my bowels back!!!

MJ said...

I'm putting extra !'s in all my posts from now on ;)

MJ said...

PS - you teach English too?! hurhur