Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Buzzkill

Wasp, what are you doing in here? Yes, you want to get out now, I can see that from the way you keep banging your head against the glass like a fucking moron. (Incidentally, why doesn't that kill you, like it does to birds?) But what made you come in here? There's a whole big world out there, wasp, yet time and again you and your ilk come strolling into whatever building I'm in, your inflated sense of entitlement blazing in the sun. Except there's only ever one of you - what's that about? Do you fancy yourself as something of a lone wolf, wasp? I've met wolves, I've sung and drank with wolves, and you're no wolf, wasp, you're a wasp.

I think you simply have no friends. Do you expect me to be your friend, wasp? Do you think I'd like it if we drank coffee together and said things like "Ohmygod, I can't wait to see The Killers at Oxegen!" I don't think I'd like that at all. I already have a friend, wasp, and they don't buzz as incessantly in my ear as you do. And if they want a bit of my muffin they fucking well ask, instead of plonking all fours on it and doing a tiny little poo, as seems to be your way. That's the behaviour of a dickhead. Are you a dickhead, wasp? You lack a sense of propriety anyway, that's for damn sure.

No, we shan't be friends. I've been burned by this kind of thing before, wasp. A promising relationship with a bee came to a most regrettable end during an ill-advised pillowfight. Jemima made honey, glorious honey, wasp. You can't even offer me that much. We shan't be swapping books and sharing earphones, you and I. I care not for that "what happened you man, you used to be cool" rhetoric that you always bank on in such circumstances. I am unmoved. So you can just sit there staring balefully at me whilst you bop your stupid stripey distended arse up and down. And I, I'll bide my time, wasp.

15 comment(s):

B said...

Dammit man, just hit it with the swat, you'll wind up spending the whole summer talking to them otherwise.

I'll kill them for you if you want, Wimbledon season makes it a sport to me.

emordino said...

f = ma, which is to say: the wasp is hitting the window at a force equal to mass x acceleration. Seeing as the wasp's mass is so low, it's effectively hitting with no force whatsoever, hence it's not doing any particular damage to itself. This is also why insects can drop from enormous heights without getting hurt (consider fleas for instance, who can jump around 200 times their body length - humans are in trouble if they fall even twice their body length, and elephants can't jump at all lest they break their necks).

[This has been Colm's Tuesday Science Bomb. Thank you for tuning in.]

Red Leeroy said...

He wanders lonely as a wasp....you have made me feel sorry for him, now what, I have to go out and make friends with a worm to compensate?

Maxi Cane said...

Bloody wasps, they show up with gangs of hangers on and don't put in their share of the ESB with thier loud parties and annoying the neighbours.

It's the empty milk cartons in the fridge that get me.

Rosie said...

i think Colm should post a Tuesday Science Bomb here every week.

preferably on Tuesdays.

Andrew said...

B - I used to have a dog who loved killing wasps and flies. Or at least attempting to. But, sadly, he is no longer. It wasn't wasp-related, fortunately.

Colm - that was lovely, thank you. I second Rosie's motion. though I wonder if i'd have to keep writing the kind of post that would incite you to such illumination, or whether you might just volunteer some joyful tidbit each week.

Red L - You shouldn't feel sorry for him, he was an awful cunt. As soon as I'd written this post he was right over to me giving it all this "Yo, 'sup A-Dog?" shit.

Maxi - it's the taping over my 'Arsenal season 03/04 video with fucking Coronation Street that gets to me. It was the one where Vera Duckworth got her minge out and everything.

Rosie - Bang on.

C U Next Tuesday?

Maxi Cane said...

She got her minge out?

Fuck's sake, I missed that.

emordino said...

If you could somehow work some confusion about why cars are designed to crumple in a collision, or about why the second law of thermodynamics doesn't contradict the theory of evolution, that'd be pretty handy.

Or how about a methodological question: do you know they difference between a theory and a hypothesis? YOU SHOULD.

[This has been Colm's Thursday Science Hectoring. Thanks for listening.]

Eimear said...

Dude, this is so very relevant to my life right now. Gorgeously expressed, as ever.

Andrew said...

Maxi - It was disappointing, to be honest.

Colm - duly noted.

Eimear - Cheers. But it really is only about a wasp.

Kitty Cat said...

Haha, nice! Very Fuck You, Penguin-esque.

Lindsey said...

You've sung and drank with wolves but have you ever danced with wolves?

Andrew said...

Yep, Kitty Cat, I'm glad someone noticed (or disappointed, I'm not quite sure). i wrote it and realised how it was largely just a rip-off of the Fuck you, Penguin stuff, but without the brevity. i thought about not posting it, but then decided that, if questioned, I would describe the post as an homage. So thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed my homage (say it in a soft, slow French accent and it sounds quite filthy) to Fuck you, Penguin.

No, Linds, they'd claw my pretty face off. Wolves hate dancing even more than me. And I hates it a very lot. Except when I'm in the nip. But we're cousins, so we shan't speak of such things.

Kitty Cat said...

Ha, I hear you, I myself don't rip things off I'm INSPIRED by them. A subtle but important difference.

Ben said...

Once McCreevy opened the floodgates didn't they all fucking come. Wasps and the lot


oh and i'm not racist...