Wednesday, April 1, 2009

italics for emphasis

It has come to my attention here at Chancing My Arm Towers that there is a growing fondness for classing the readers of any particular blog as one distinct group, easily referred to by some humorous plural noun. It works beautifully for summarily dismissing any large number of people.

Bock's readers are Bockolytes (but not, I repeat not, minions). Twenty, being special, gets to have both Bootboys and Lapdogs. Gimme's readers are, I dunno, Dickheads, probably.

So now I have come to the realisation that you, my dear readers, you who unerringly read my every utterance with nary a moment of doubt in your mind, you, too, deserve a collective title to properly indicate your full uniformity of thought and venom. You have earned this right through your regular attendance, haphazard commenting, and steadfast, unswerving agreement with everything I say. Because you only read my blog, right?

But what to call you? The Chancing My Army? Too obvious. Andrew's Arseholes? No, no, no. Should I call you Legion, for you are many? Hmmm...you're not that many. From today and forever more I christen you Andrew's Elite Death Squadron of Crack Robot Warriors in Pursuit of the Upholding of Truth, Justice, Righteousness, Global Hegemony and All-Round Superbness and Excellence. It was only one of a number of submissions from a think-tank (oh, how I love a good think-tank) consisting of Kofi Annan, Former Taoiseach Albert Reynolds, Dale Winton and Senator George Mitchell. I chose it for its concise expression of all that I stand for.

You will, of course, all be given ranks within AEDSCRWPUTJRGHARSE (for short). Expressions of your warm admiration in comments will not help you gain a favourable commanding position in AEDSCRWPUTJRGHARSE, as I know you all already harbour such thoughts toward me (I really must thank you for those, I use them to heat my manservant's quarters at night). But I am now ready to reveal that you, Bloglines subscriber in New Delhi (yes, you, I see you there), shall be awarded the rank of Starboard Admiral. And you, mystery reader in Fethard, Co. Tipperary whom I contemplated popping in for a cup of tea, slice of brack and an old chinwag with in on my way down to Cork a few months ago, you can be Wing Commander (I don't know which wing yet).

And you all, from now on, shall be expected, nay, ordered to excoriate, eviscerate and email any other bloggers whose opinion differ from those stipulated in the contract you all signed up to when you agreed to read this blog. And, naturally, write nasty posts about them on your own inferior blogs, should you have them. But only, only on my command. Heel!

26 comment(s):

Meadow said...

I am touched and humbled. Mostly touched. A bit.

d said...

What? New Delhi? But i'm in Bombay! I thought i was your only Indian reader! Am appalled!( I could live with the starboard Admiral bit though)

She Likes It Loud said...

I like how you have ARSE as the very end of your acronym.

When you bark like this, you sound rather English. I usually only take orders from Billy, maybe because he IS English. Hmmm...oh yes and "Captain She" has an interesting ring to it. It's not as high a rank as "Empress", which I'm entitled to in the Slavic regions, but I'm all to familiar with compromise in my dealings overseas. Do what you must.

Sarah Gostrangely said...

LOL Andrew one day you may just rule the world. One day.*

The title of your following sounds a bit like what bank of ireland have internal awards for.

*Do not think this pandering is sickophancy. I don't want to be Starboard Wunderkid. Really.

Le Nord said...

Can we have badges?

jothemama said...

It's catchy. I like it.


Or I would if I could remember anything but ARSE.

Andrew said...

Meadow - My warriors have touched me, and I believe I've touched them too.

Starboard Admiral D - Hi! It's probably you, the only stats I see come from that little Feedjit thing on the bottom right hand side of my page (I have Google analytics but don't understand it at all) and it's often highly inaccurate about the parts of Britain and Ireland that people are visiting from. But Delhi instead of Mumbai is a big geographical error. It'll be interesting to see if an irate New Delhian turns up now, demanding you relinquish your position.

SLIL - We don't do military chic very well in this country (i'm proud of this) so I rely on the English as role models for that kind of humour.

Captain she sounds good, but having seen your musical talent on your Jew's Harp video I'm going to have to appoint you as Head Bugler.

Sarah - You can be Panzer Tank Commander, that sounds prett groovy.

Le Nord - Yes, naturally. shiny ones. you can be in charge of those.

Jo - Rear Lieutenant sounds suitable for you.

Darren said...

Can I be your court jester? I think I'd be good at that.

Green Of Eye, Sharp Of Claw said...

Is that an evil glint and lust for world domination in your eye?!!I bags the position of 'minister for decent cheese and boobs'. Please. Thank you.

*backs away bowing*
:)

Andrew said...

Darren - you can be the lackey who shines the brass on my buckle.

GOE - Your humility and general understadning of your position in life is pleasing, but you somewhat miss the full aggressive sentiment behind the squadron. You can be Attack Commandant with Special Responsibility for the Upholding of Decent and Boobs.

Xbox4NappyRash said...

Chancers, surely?

Green Of Eye, Sharp Of Claw said...

Bring it back to basics-that's my motto Andrew. Boobs and cheese :)

Yeah i may need to work on the finer points of the aggressive plan...too easily pacified by cups of tea,hugs and creme eggs.

Meadow said...

Xbox4NappyRash - 'Chancers' is mine, I'm working on my manifesto right now. Well, I would, except Andrew has set the standard so high. I mean, badges even... Sigh...

She Likes It Loud said...

"Head Bugler"? Think about that for a minute now. Dare I? No, I daren't. No wonder chicks hate me if this is the type of title I get.

Lindsey said...

If nepotism doesn't give me a high rank, I'm not playing.

I don't think I have many viewers or readers or lackeys but it doesn't actually bother me. [I think I prefer it this way. The quiet life, you know.]

B said...

now i wish mine was popular

i could call them collectively as "the bored" or "the positively bored"

Le Nord said...

''Le Nord - Yes, naturally. shiny ones. you can be in charge of those.''

*dances a happy jig*

Maxi Cane said...

I'm only new to this blog so I won't conform.

I shall be your first grumpy misguided goth.

gimme a minute said...

It's the Gimmearchy, Andrew. Pay attention.

Rutland Place said...

Damn.

I'm a Dickhead.

Twenty Major said...

Chancers United, Not Too Seriously.

Andrew said...

XBox - far too obvious.

GOE - To get in touch with the requisite aggression, just imaine a world where tea, creme eggs and hugs have been taken away from you.

Meadow - I'm all about standards round here.

SLIL - would 'Head Trombonist' be any better?

Linds - But you're not my nephew.

B - I don't consider this blog to be popular. But if Google reader subscribers are anything to go by we're about equal in popularity.

Le Nord - You can be incharge of happy jigs too.

Maxi - You can get the fuck out of my unit with that attitude, is what you can do.

Gimme - Oh, yet another of your faux-Americanisms.

Rutland Place - That makes two of us.

Twenty - Another Really Sorry Excuse Betrays A Neurosis Deep In Turmoil.

B said...

...i thought you were joking though

jothemama said...

Darren, you are the court jester. I don't know why I never saw it before. You have a veritable invsible cap with bells on your head!

And harlequinn tights. And curly toed shoes!!

Blazing said...

Hate to do this to you Andrew (he lied), but it's tag time...

Not Ruairi said...

I respectfully request the position of 9th Lieutenant or anything else that means I outrank Wil Wheton