Me: Hi doctor, I’ve just been having these stomach pains quite a bit lately and they’ve been worse the last couple of days.
Dr. O’Leary: I see. Tell me, do you masturbate much?
Me: Huh? Umm, well y’know…is that really relevant? The pains are only in my stomach, nowhere else.
Dr. O’Leary: If you could just answer the question honestly, please.
Me: OK, well, like, yeah, but I wouldn’t say a freakish amount or anything…
Dr. O’Leary: Fucking great, isn’t it?